sixteen year old cousin, kaden: dont watch family videos! they make me cry!
rylee: why do they make you cry?
kaden: i dont know they just do.
(turns on family video... kaden cries.)

me singing everybody by ingrid michaelson:
me: we are falling down again tonight.
mom: because we're drunk and got into a fight.

me crammed against a subway train pole in paris with my parents
mom:  you're squishing my hand.
me: sorry! i cant move!
mom: emily, if you want to be a pole dancer that's fine, but now is not the time to practice.

my mom looks in my bag and sees a shirt.
mom: what is this??
me: my button-up shirt. i wanted to just wear a tank top under my blazer-
mom: you're stripping? emily if you are going to strip you can only do it for money okay?
me: mom i wasn't-
mom: only for money ok?!
me: um ok.

me doing homework: i'm going to die!!!
dad: yeah eventually.
me: wow thanks dad.
dad: well you will. just not now. and probably not from math.

my cousin rylee: "did you know all dairy contains milk? wait. maybe that's why they call it dairy..."
me: "good job rylee! next we are going to learn one plus one and how to spell cat!"

"it was like where monks live. what's it called? a monk-ery?"
"you're as thin as a whale! oh no! no, i meant a rail! i was trying to say rail with a speech impediment!" -my cousin anna